break-up pancakes.

breakup pancake

The lines between real life and blog-life are hard, and I’ve been ignoring this space this week in part because I just don’t know how to write this post. You all know the boy through this space — his hands are in the food photos of the last 8 months, our adventures are pictured here, I’ve grown comfortable writing posts full of “we’s” and “usses,” and now…

Now I will miss those traces of him here. No anger, just sadness to work through. Sometimes the fit just isn’t quite right, and no amount of wishing or wanting on either side can fix that. I’ve never cared this much for someone in this way, and thus, I hurt more than I thought possible.  We’ve had a week of tears, quiet walks in the woods, long talks, and, moments ago, a physical goodbye dictated by a research project. I thought it would be horrible for him to be away so long. Now, it seems a good thing, as time and space are probably what we both need in order to heal and transition to friendship.

I’ve never done this part before — the hurting that comes after something so meaningful — and I’m at a loss. Also, I never make pancakes. I like savory breakfast food. But today, I had half a cup of buttermilk in the fridge and saw a link to a recipe over at smitten kitchen that seemed just the thing.

castironpancake

breakuppancake2

These are the best pancakes I’ve ever made, and I’m not going to lie: I think they helped a little bit.

Last night I made some granola for the week:

granola

And last week, in the immediate aftermath, the most beautiful bread came out of my oven. See?

pretty bread

The boy and I have each received some TERRIBLE break up advice that we are choosing to ignore as we work through this, but I got something really good from a dear friend yesterday on a long walk in the rain: do something for someone else.

I’ve had a really hard time knitting or spinning this week — too meditative for the way I feel — but this bit of advice has helped me to pick up the needles today. I kitchenered the first sock of the pair of thuja I am working on for my uncle. I’m heading home for a few days next week, and I would really love to give these to him. I worked a few inches of the cuff of the second sock today, and the squish of this cascade 220 superwash felt really good in my hands. Here’s a picture of my progress — socks in the foreground, dear snuggling companion in the back.

bohandthuja

Thanks for being here, dear readers. I know this is a lot to lay on you, but it feels good for me to write it down here. I imagine there will be a narrative of recovery, of hopefulness, and of willingness to do this all over again buried somewhere in the subtext of this summer’s knitting and spinning progress. I’m lucky to have good people in my world to take care of me right now, and I know it will get better. It has to, right?

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14 thoughts on “break-up pancakes.

  1. I hope it feels better soon. You seem like a very resilient person and I’m sure you’ll come through this even better!

  2. I’m sad you have to go through this. It hurts; it always hurts. Only time can heal the pain. Your friend gave you good advice.

    I am also impressed by your bravery in writing the post. It is this bravery that will ultimately help you navigate through the pain.

    In the meantime, take care of yourself and give Boh lots of hugs.

  3. Oh, I am so sorry! Breakups suck, and heartache is worse…. I second the “hug Boh” advice. He is obviously a sweetie, and doggie love counts for a lot!

    Jennifer

  4. I’ve only just met you on the internet, but I send lots of hugs your way. Break-ups hurt. I hope a summer of adventure and spinning helps. And dogs. Dogs always help.

  5. Ugh. Maybe the worst feeling, and I totally understand. I’m sending you healing vibes and laughter your way; I hope that your trip home is restorative. You’ll come out on the other side of this being a-okay, it’s just the in-between bits that are rough. *hugs*

  6. It will definitely, definitely get better. What you’re going through right now is the hardest part — it can only get easier from here. I’m so sorry to hear you’re in pain, though…I’m sending some happy vibes and virtual hugs your way. And I 100% agree with your friend’s advice.

  7. I JUST went through a break-up that sounds VERY similar to yours – about a week and a half ago. I’m so sorry – I have a sense of how you’re feeling.

    the doing something for someone else sounds like it could be good advice. thanks for sharing.

  8. Oh crap. I’m very sorry for the both of you A. In catch up mode as always, I had to scroll back to find out what happened. You don’t need to hear all this, I’m sure, but it sounds like you’ve both done admirably in trying to work it through in a healthy manner (and that’s saying a lot, many of us just duck&run rather than tackle all of that). Sending you big hugs, beautiful (happy) music, and, well, I’d send you comfort food, but you are so on that ;) Lean on Boh, the furry people, they help with the hard stuff.

  9. those look like the best pancakes in the world! … definitely full of healing properites :)

    it looks like you have a lot of good things going on with the spinning, knitting, baking, … and that beautiful first harvest from your csa.

    and yes, get that cookie a. book! it’s a must have.

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